Y4

I imagined medic would be hard. 

It is. 

What did I expect, anyway?

We have three OSCEs, lines of write-ups and presentations, and hefty logbooks this year.

Now I understand when the year coordinator told us that Year 4 has lots of "fatalities". 

Numerous times already that I had tried to give up. 

Penat.

Especially for this rotation. 

Pagi2 pergi hospital. Balik around 5pm. 

Body doesn't want to sleep in the evening and can't study either.

Malam pun xleh nak study sgt. Tidur. 

Repeat daily. 

Weekends, main2. Dreading the weekdays. 

I want this. 

I want to become a doctor. 

I have been telling myself this since primary. 

Don't fail me now. 

A little kitten by the road Together with his brother Cross the road to the other side To get home with their mother A little kitten by the road Was playing alongside his brother When suddenly a car came by fast And hit his brother upfront A little kitten by the road Weeping by his brother side With no one to help Feeling helpless, useless A little kitten by the road Has lost his brother that day And he keeps on recalling When his brother died.

Pasti.

Ketidakpastian itu pasti dalam meneka masa depan. Ada orang takut. Ada orang berani. Aku takut.

HAPPY HUNGER GAMES !!!

hokay

now, this dusty blog shall be filled with another one-in-a few-months post from its owner; me.

*duh*

anyhow, hunger games!

have been waiting for this movie since i finished reading the trilogy few months back and only my friends (my housemates especially) know how excited i was when 22nd of march arrived. the few hours before the 4pm (my movie screening time) was torturing.

when the lionsgate logo came out, my friend (loko moko) tapped my back, asking me to relax. a futile attempt it was.

ok, enough about my feelings and lets proceed to the movie. everything written is totally and fully my amateur opinion.

parts that i disappointed with:

1) camera. angle. whatever you want to call it. it was shaky for quite a lot of the scenes to the extent that i lost my concentration at times.

2) i expect more from peeta. not saying that josh was terrible. he was marvellous as the boy with the bread. but, i'm expecting peeta to be more forceful, more garang. the train scene, i was expecting him to be angry at haymitch, but no.... he just had to be dumbfounded and be ok with that. and during the training, the way they make him look weak, i was dying a bit inside.

3) the cave scene. i dunno, it left wanting for more. it was sweet and i could felt the connection between katniss and peeta, but i dont think the romance was built up to the extent that i can believe that they are madly in love.

4) the feast. i went "argh" silently when clove was killed off just like that. one of the may parts that i've been waiting for was when clove shout out for cato with the look of her eyes consumed with fear and helplessness. and thresh with full of vengeance killed her with no mercy.

5) the nightlock scene. like the cave scene, me want more. they seem to brush off with this one, x sabar nak habis la kot.

6) the ending; it was quite ambiguous. this one was quite a turn-off for me. i need more emotion from u guys. please leave me wanting badly for catching fire next year.

what i like:

1) acting; jen lawrence was spot on as katniss. she really live up to my expectation. everyone else was also remarkable; josh, liam, woody and all the tributes. and elizabeth, you are PERFECT as effie.

2) additional scenes. in the book, everything was from katniss POV. so, introducing scenes from other POVs was brilliant, especially the scenes between Snow and Seneca, the gamemaker HQ and haymitch. i cant feel happier when they show the rebellion at District 11. it shall be an excellent continuity with the next movie. this additional scenes really add the excitement and understanding to those who haven't read the book.

3) faithful adaptation in term of the overall plot, story.

overall; i give 6~7/10 . it was still enjoyable, but it was not up to level of LOTR.

shall wait for catching fire. i do hope Simon Beaufoy will do justice with the screenwriting.

the hunger games

last week, i finished reading 'The Hunger Games' by Suzanne Collins.

start reading on new year night and finished the whole trilogy 2 days later.

damn, it was one hectic reading. i skipped my night sleep to finish the 2nd book (catching fire)

because i started reading that one at 10pm. i tried to stop and get a sleep, but my brain just wouldn't allow that.

me: brain, enough. i need my sleep

brain: finish that effing book, i must know what happen next

i ended finish just before subuh. the book is a page turner.

after finish the third book (mockingjay), my mind was blown away. the feeling and emotion that experience after i put down mockingjay was unexplainable. i was in a glass case of emotion: sad, traumatised, anger, confused, ..... imagine having all those thing at one time.

it was just unbearable. and i was distraught for quite a few days.

why? (contain spoilers)

1)catching fire and mockingjay were more into the Katniss dealing with whatever she was dealing with (post hunger games trauma & war). while i was reading them, i can absorb every feeling Katnis was having thanks to Suzanne detail descriptions of them. even after reading, i can still feel the emotion (just like when you still feel angry/sad after waking up from a nightmare). my mind just lingered around and recalled the cruelty, break downs, screams and actions mentioned in the book. how suzanne put it into words; how war affects people, really is to be given credit.

2)deaths. especially when suzanne decided to kill finnick and prim. finnick's death really hit me hard. along the way, we got to know a bit about finnick's life after his hunger games and how he put up with it. regardless what happened, his love is only for one woman, annie, who he could never live without. when finnick died during the battle, out of the blue my mind remembered the pictures on tumblr where american soldiers died and the family member/relatives/partners cries/mourn over their deaths, and i realised that finnick's child will never get to see his/her awesome father. *how can you not be sad by this thought?* then, prim. katniss's reasons to survive was to protect her mother and sis (prim), prim's death really put katniss in a limbo for awhile. the saddest scene after prim's death was katniss's 'conversation' with buttercup. i can feel the distress katniss dealing with.

3)i had a bit void somewhere in my heart after finished the trilogy (rasa kosong). after a while, i realise that the ending was not something that i expected. it was a bit abrupt and it was left untold, not elaborated enough (unless i missed something after the battle ended, i did rush through the ending). why coin decided to kill those children, what happened to gale after he moved to district 2, is there other reasons why katniss voted yes for hunger games for capitol's children (just for prim? being gone through katniss character development, this is quite unexpected. plus haymitch agreed to katniss's choice, why?) and a few others i can't think of right now. this lacking of closure, i would say,does not provide the satisfaction as i received from harry potter. but, maybe this was intentional by suzanne as to provide more room more *hurm* discussion? i dunno. *i really dont mind if the hunger games books are as thick as harry potter's, if to elaborate all the missing pieces*

nevertheless, this trilogy is awesome.

1)i love the story itself, the unique idea behind it. how suzanne portrayed the effect of war into an excellent story.

2)i love the variety of characters involved. (my favourites; haymitch, peeta and finnick)

3)pace. it was hard to put down. one page lead to another. never a dull moment.

4)had i said it's awesome?

i never regret the decision to buy this trilogy.

tiada

hati kosong

kau celaru

dunia kosong

.

tapi kau masih mampu terkenang

tapi kau masih mampu meratap

.

Quran di sana;

bukalah

cubalah faham

tapi kau tetap egois dengan Pencipta

dan kau masih berani kata

"tiada tempat aku di dunia,

semua sudah menghilang, tiada"

celaka,

kau yang menghilangkan diri dari semua

hati kau yang tak bersemuka dengan yang Esa

dan kau masih berani salahkan semua?

.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

dah nak dekat dua minggu aku kat Malaysia

several things on the to-do list dah checked;

-food; durian, manggis, dine at Syid Seafood, macaron,

-movies; puss in boots, tin tin, arthur christmas,

-mall; KLCC, OU,

these are only a few of the many on the list.

and byk lagi tempat nk kena pegi for shopping

and owh, i passed 2nd year. despite all the ruffles i went through this year. self-inflicted ruckus

couldn't bring myself to study, distraction, worries. yada2...

certainly a reminder for next year.

dah tak boleh main2 for the clinical years, naya nanti.

and just knew that one of my respected teachers is transferring to another school.

another big loss to my alma mater.

immensely dedicated in everything she does.

*kurang seorang cikgu nak gossip with kalau singgah sekolah =P

-aku banyak belajar dari beliau-

cuti nih, tambah berat badan je la. makan tak bercatu; enjoying the moment.

yada2.

when studying absorbs the soul out of you,

all you can think is, "why am i doing this?"

4 papers je pejal.

bertahan.

i always have good faith on others when it comes to exam, but seldom on myself.

confidence dah terhakis sikit demi sikit.

i'm babbling because i'm worried.

this year hasn't turned out the way i wanted.

many results are below my expectation, even the paper that i was quite confidence of.

i yearn for more.

and i know i can do better.

this is troubling me to the extent that i am doubting myself.

and breaking down 2 days before the first paper is not a good way to go.

anyhow, life must go on.

and these papers must be dealt with.

at least, i got home to look forward to after the exam. :)

-

why do people turn to psychiatrist and counselors (read: strangers) but not those that are close to them?

1) these strangers are experts in their fields

2) they do not want to burden their loved ones with their problems. even the loved ones have their own.

3) telling the loved ones certain things might jeopardise the relationship. the least they want when in a problematic situation is having emotional issue with the loved ones.

i would really love to tell this to those i love, "dude/babe, you are my darling, and accepting you in my life, i'm ready for your best and for your worst. because why darling? i understand how it felt to bottle up those emotions and waiting for them to burst at any moment"

pfft, as if telling those as easy as they seem .....

this post is rather emotionally draining.

-

dalam dunia kita, kita bermaharajalela

di luar, kita ditindas.

dan kita terus biar diri kita ditindas.

takut.

tiada keyakinan.

kurang kemahiran.

kerana kita masih dalam takuk minda lama.

sadly, these are also how i describe myself.

Exams and Holiday

During the wait for SPM's result, I ask myself, will there be any other exams that create never ending worry every time I think about it.

The answer is this semester.

Never in my life I have this feeling when answering exam papers. The uneasiness, anxiety & furious-heart-beating moment after the first glance at the questions was simply unbearable.

For SAQ, after reading all the 29 questions, I felt a sudden chill back in my spine and I went blank for quite a while. After realising that panicking will not do any wonders, I just grabbed my pen and scribbling down answers.

For MEQ, the difficulty is pretty much the same, but I have seen SAQ before, thus my mind and soul were adapted to the situation.

For MCQ; well, let just say the if-one-paper-is-hard-the-others-will-be-easy condition was never applied to this semester's exam papers.

Anatomy, the only reason I really looked forward to it is to get everything done and over with. The paper was OK which was quite a nice cherry-on-top thing to ease bit of my tsunami-sed feelings. I have never been soooooooo happy in my life that exams are over.

After anatomy, I went to watch Cars 2 with Yuhin & Syuaib. to unwind the tangled mind.

On that night of the same day, 6 of us Malaysian had a trip to watch Mary Poppins (musical theater) which was AWESOME~!!!

Can't wait for the holiday with my family next month.

cinta?

dalam ribuan malam,

antara jutaan bintang,

kau tetap yang bersinar terang,

yang paling tegar dalam ingatan.

kala siang menjengah,

membawa pergi cahaya mu,

aku tetap menunggu,

untuk malam kembali.

Oh, the northern star of my heart.

Shine forever, please?

For a dirt of the Earth to ask,

My favour is too much, I know.

----------------------------------------------------

ok, too much of these mushy2 posts.

but, writing about them are, in a way, easy to relate to for many of us.

love.

hatred.

satisfaction.

frustration.

life.

death.

they are what we see, experience, observe and do where death will be the finale of the events.

our God-given bodies, soul, minds and hearts are tested in every way and angle be it joy or despair.

human.

the simplest word to sum up all of them.

when I see myself in the mirror, sometimes I ask, "Who are you going to be today?".

Will I smile or frown?

Will I laugh or cry?

Will I be able to breathe until the end of the day?

The never ending questions.

Then I choose to let go off the worry, and be carefree.

But after you observe the love/hatred relationships of others, I choose to worry again.

"Will it be me next?"

I guess I get too worry of something that I should not.

Then I choose I write all the posts as if I am in those positions.

"What happen when I get heartbroken?"

"What happen when love has long begone?"

But there is one thing I seldom ask myself.

"What if I am really in love?"

Fifty people one question.

There are videos on youtube that gather people to ask them one same question.

And this one asked them about what you regret about your life.

Regret.

One word that can make people pause and think for many hours.

Pause to recall all the moments that you can revisit.

Think, what can be done to change that.

I regret of being a coward; not brave enough to take risk.

I regret of being stupid; not seeing the many opportunities lay ahead.

I regret of having many lifeless moment; physically and emotionally.

There are even times I regret of being myself.

But then reality smacked me on the head.

Whatever or whoever I am now, is who I am should be proud of, at least for myself.

But, I shall try to make things I shall not regret later.

(Another) but, I am used to regret things, you see. *cursing myself*

Sampai malas nak berubah. <== haisyh

Sekarang, kembali kepada buku2 tebal dan nota. *sarcastic smile*

dunia

jinakkan hati mu dengan cinta

maniskan dirimu dengan senyuman.

tapi jangan jinak sampai lemah dayus.

tapi jangan manis sampai dijilat lunyai.

dunia itu kejam,

kalau itu yang kau pilih.

.

biarkan?

Si A:

"aku tahu semua itu,

apa itu halal,

apa itu haram,

tapi hati masih belum terima cahaya,

jiwa masih bergolak,

minda masih bercelaru,

nanti2 aku usaha kan"

Si B:

"tolong tiada nanti2,

tiada pasti esok masih muncul buat kita,

tiada tentu kita akan sempat kembali ke pangkal,

mulakan lah langkah pertama,

tetapkan lah langkah2 mu ke jalan satu,

aku kata semua ini pada kamu,

sebab aku kasih akan kamu"

Si A:

"argh!! apa kau tahu pasal aku,

kau dan aku berbeza hidupnya,

aku terumbang ambing di sini,

kau selesa di tempat hidup mu,

aku susah dengan hidup begini,

kamu senang lah nak buat segala yang putih bersih"

Si B:

"susah itu ujian,

senang itu ujian,

aku dulu macam kamu,

penuh kabur dan nafsu,

ku syukur semua itu hanyalah kisah lampau ku,

ku ambil langkah ku dikit2,

pada awalnya aku hendak mengalah,

tetapi syukur ada sahabat yang sudi menghulur tangan,

aku rendahkah ego ku,

ku cuba buka minda ku,

dan kini aku mahu cuba tolong mu,

kerana diri ini pernah seperti kamu"

-----------------------------------------------------

mereka yang kau kata sudah terpesong,

sanggup kah kau biarkan mereka tetap terpesong,

kau jauhkan diri kamu dari mereka,

mahu menjaga diri, kononnya,

sedangkan kau malu diri tak mampu,

aku tahu, kerana aku macam kamu~~~

---------

proses penyelongkaran drafts yang dah berhabuk.

got some/many writings being listed as drafts, maybe because:

1) they are too controversial back then

2) i forget to click "publish post"

now, since i am busy with studying (tergelak sinis kepada diri sendiri), maybe i'll just post these unposted stuffs that were put on hold for too long.

ayway, this stuff above that i wrote,

is not about people I've encountered, but only heard of.

and I found it interesting because:

1)bravery is never my thing especially to really talk about the matter above

2)people tends to label rather understand. *lets judging be only to Him*

3)we tend to try solve the litttle brittle problem, seldom the core. (e.g. an article from saiful islam website)

4)and everything is never a one-day process. it may take months, years or even decades.

anyway, my exam start on 14th june till 23rd june. then, 3 weeks winter holiday. yay

Blue Mountain

On Wednesday,

Nasriq, Lokey & I went to the Blue Mountain for the second time since x buat apa sangat during the first visit.

Specifically, we went to Echo Point and Scenic World.

Bertolak dari Macarthur station menuju ke Katoomba station, a 3ish-hour ride.

Atas train bajet nak baca nota.

Lepas sejam lebih, straight sumbat nota balik dalam beg and enjoy the scenery outside.

Sejam before sampai, makan self-cooked nasi goreng for breakfast.

Then, sampai2 je, had a brief photography at Kingsford Smith Memorial Park's entrance kat atas.

Pastu, beli Subway (the usual one-foot Seafood Sensation) utk bekal lunch nanti.

Tunggu bas 686 kat depan Carlington Hotel.

Dan menuju Echo Point.

Echo Point

Basically, there is a look out for the Three Sisters (three giant rock/hill/wuteva side by side)

And I still wonder why I suddenly like to take pictures of rocks. hurm

Anyway, the highlights of the journey is the Three Sister Walk.

There is a pathways to the Three Sisters' back/side to get a clearer view of the humongous rock.

And to make things more adventurous, we tried the Giant Stairways which is long ride down/up.

There are 800+ steps. Steep and not uniform steps. After only descended 300 steps, I gave up. Nak asthma dada ni. Lepas sampai kat atas, jantung mcm kena sawan, gila laju berdetak. Tengok Nasriq, sama pancit cam aku. tengok Lokman, cool je maintain muka hanya berpeluh tanpa termengah2.

Scenic World

We took a 686 bus again, now to Scenic World.

The main attractions are the cable cars ride and the tour down below after taking the Scenic Railway/ Scenic Cableway.

Kitorang naik Scenic Railway dulu. It is a two way ride with sceneries of the nearby wonders (mountains, waterfall, etc). kat tengah2 ada cermin boleh see through ke bawah.

Pastu turun bawah nak gi pathways guna Scenic Railway. Sampai bawah, pusing2 the pathway & gi tgk waterfall yang more like dribbling rather than 'fall'. Tak hujan sangat kot.

Time the self-tour, kitorang solat and lunch with Subways yang beli before this.

Then balik naik atas guna Scenic Cableway.

Naik bas 696 balik ke bandar.

Sampai sana, pergi balik kat Kingsford Smith Memorial Park.

Ada jumpa taman kat bawah tu.

OMG, lawa.

Selamat Nasriq ngan Lokey paksa turun.

Sejam habis tangkap gambar.

Gambar kat FB Nasriq lagi lah mantap.

Very the picturesque.

Habis dah.

Pastu balik.

*Gila rojak bahasa. =.=

--------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever felt that tingling feeling in your heart;

where you want to cry but you can't even shed a tear?

where you want to scream but no voice come out?

Your heart feels empty,

But somehow it is filled with negativity.

Your mind feels like running,

But away from the light, towards nothingness.

You feel anger.

You feel frustrated.

You are unable to decipher your own feeling.

You are unable to understand your own self.

Every kind words from others,

You reply harshly.

Every jokes uttered,

You take it very seriously.

Every cloud passing by,

You can only expect rain to pour down instantly.

Your mouth is sealed.

Your emotions are waiting to erupt...

*I can only ask for your patience. But, I'll never expect you to sustain it that long.

Channel your emotion to me, I'm ready.

Or, if I'm MIA, to God you should talk to. 24/7 wireless service everywhere, anywhere.

of Easter holiday

I'm officially on Easter holiday.

Pejal: Mana buku dan nota2 ni.

*cari2**letak buku & nota atas meja**baca*

Pejal: Haisyh, apa ke benda "calvaria" nih.

*search wikipedia**baca**perasan ada fb notification**stuck with FB for hours*

Pejal: Astaghfirullah.

*geleng2 kepala**baca nota balik*

Pejal: Apa benda lak "branches of trigeminal nerve" ni?

*search wikipedia**dlm hati: ooooo, more notification**

few more hours wasted*

Pejal: Ya Rabbi

*baca nota**menguap**tido*

And this is what we call as holiday's life cycle. Insert solat, eating, personal moments wherever appropriate.

-Yes, I rely on wiki too much. Can't imagine how my sisters studied their stuffs without it

-And yes, I'm easily distracted. *sambil scroll through FB and tumblr*

------------------------------------------------------------------

Tadi gi Bondi Beach.

Dengan harapan nak tengok sunrise.

Ada la sunrise, tapi tercover dengan bukit.

Must search for sunrise watch place yang kuar dari laut *not 'kuar dari laut' literally*

You know, like this:

http://www.disassociated.com/2009/02/12/photo-sunrise-at-sydneys-coogee-beach/

Must go to coogee beach after this to have a pic of this panorama

*acece pejal, kat malaysia takde la ghairah nak cari sunrise pelbagai*

well, I *we* do tend to appreciate things at other places besides your own.

Lagipun, kat Malaysia, selalunya bangun2, matahari dah nak terbenam.

Camne nk tgk sunrise kan? *pfft*

------------------------------------------------------------------

And one more thing to do during this holiday.

Easter Show!

Nah~ never been to one before.

Dunno much what to expect.

What I know, they have rides and stuffs.

and also exhibition sepert arnab, kuda dan byk lagi.

and, I really dunno anything else about it.

Need to go to know la kan?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Saya nak amek hati awak, cantum dengan hati saya.

Tapi itu macam mencuri.

Kalau macam tu,

Biar awak amek hati saya.

Saya rela.

*mushy much? Deal with it. :P

Reefqi fly.

Message rasmi kepada dewi agung.

"Ya ReeFQi~~~!!!

Sorry that none of us three can't send you off to land of matahari terbit (despite Australia lagi cepat from Japan).

You, without fail, sent us off despite the weird timings (mine was when you had exam/test in several days) . And we really appreciate that. We can only send our prayer and thought for you, hoping for the very best for your journey to and throughout your time in Japan.

And nasihat rasmi aku kepada sesiapa yang naik kapal terbang; Jangan try nak goda mana2 pramugara/pramugari. Jangan ngada2 nak menggedik ngan laki/pompuan seat sebelah ko (unless he/she is ur hubby/wife). Jangan berdengkur kuat sangat, ada ramai lagi passenger kat dalam plane tu (nasihat random tambahan)

Anyway. Seriously. Play safe....with all the robotic equipment. Bahaya kot benda2 elektrik nih.

Salam"

negatif atau manusia?

sedih kan?

kalau asyik disalah erti.

geram kan?

kalau asyik dipandang tepi.

marah kan?

kalau asyik diracun hati.

kala sedih menjengah,

mahu sahaja biar tangisan berpanjangan.

kala geram meresap,

mahu sahaja biar suara tinggi bergetar.

kala marah merasuk,

mahu sahaja biar penumbuk bertemu muka.

tapi aku tahu,

tangisan lama bukan pengubat hiba.

tapi aku tahu,

jeritan menggila bukan penawar celaru.

tapi aku tahu,

membalas ganas bukan mereda hati yang panas.

ku salurkan tangisan ku pada Yang Pemurah.

ku lamakan kata2 ku pada Yang Mendengar.

ku abdikan diri ku pada Yang Esa.

seusai tidur.

ku cari teman.

lepaskan yang terbuku di jiwa.

ku kongsikan.

seusai cerita.

ku mampirkan diri ke alam.

mencari ketenangan.

dengan lukisan Dia.

seusai puas perhati.

ku cari diri dalam diri.

jangan biar diri puas ratapi.

kesedihan yang lama pergi.

tapi, aku tetap aku.

masih merasa semula perasaan itu.

aku manusia.

akur akan asli diri ku.

----------------------------------------

kawal lah insan, akan diri itu.

perasaan itu akan tetap hadir.

tapi kau akan pilih:

-biar perasaan merobek jiwa, atau

-salurkan perasaan pada alam yang luas

only He knows.

hurm.

I feel plainly nothing throughout the previous 4.5 days (monday to mid friday)

Out of sudden, this 'kacau bilau' moment seeps in, very deeply.

Tetibe rasa beban.

What make it worse, i can't really understand the gravity of the situation.

The weird feeling is just there.

Petanda kena start study nih.

kenalan

Di kedai buku.

A: Ha, Faidzal. Long time no see. Kau mesti dah tak ingat nama aku kan?

Faidzal: Long time no see gak, >nama penuh A<. Pergh dah besar dah ko *nada makcik2 yang prihatin*

*continue basa-basi*

*priceless moments when you still remember their names when they don't expect it.*

---

Terserempak di kedai makan.

B: Faidzal. Apa khabar? *berbasa basi*

Faidzal: Hi! *berbasa basi gak*

.

.

.

B: K r ciow dulu.

Faidzal: tata

*Selamat dia x suruh tanya nama, sumpah x ingat. At least ingat muka*

---

Di majlis keramaian

C: Faidzal. Ingat aku lagi tak?

Faidzal: .....

C: tak ingat la tu.

Faidzal: .....

C: takpe2. at least ko ingat muka aku.

Faidzal: .....

Pastu jumpa D sekali

D: Hi C, What's up?

C: Siling, Wei, Faidzal tak ingat aku dowh.

Faidzal: .....

D: Budak ni memang camni. Maafkan la dia

Faidzal: =.=

C blah.

Borak2 ngan D.

Faidzal: Serius tak ingat.

D: *Memberi biodata C* Tak ingat lagi?

Faidzal: Seriusly satu kelas dulu? =.="

D: Mangkuk r ko.

*Damn*